“i love you”

people don’t really get it but love has always been cringe worthy for me. in kindergarten my best friends dad told me that i was beautiful and that he loved me. at the time i knew it was wrong and i knew i shouldn’t tell anyone. so i never did. my 6 year old self simply acknowledged the situation and labeled it as wrong and carried on.

but i’m afraid my instinct has come back to bite me.

for years after the incident i wrote my mom love notes every single day of school without fail. it didn’t seem odd to me that it always said the same thing until now. “you’re beautiful i love you<3”. 

then there was a boy who told me he loved me. but i didn’t love him and i never could. he pressured me and told me that i was breaking him because i didn’t feel the same way. i broke up with him and no less than a week later he had a new girlfriend.

i began to question if love really existed. and if it did was i even loveable?

but now that i’ve met you i have a found a true love that hasn’t been played with, worn out, or scary. but it will always be hard for me to love. so i’m sorry if you’re having a bad day and you don’t tell me you love me but you need to understand i cannot take that. because what if you no longer do. what if the love that was taught to me at that young age and as i grew up was just as fake as this. 

i do not know what to do.

i just need to be reminded that i am loved.

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